nmfinney

Today was Nick's sentencing. They gave my brother 60 years
with no chance at parole. They said my baby brother was a danger to society and should never be allowed back onto the streets. They called him such horrible things, things that I could have never called one I love so much. He is my baby brother, he is blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh, he is a part of my heart, and he is a large part of my family.

I found out today that my brother will spend 60 years in a state prison. I have not cried, I have not shed one tear, yet my mother seems broken. I know now that I'll most likely be dead before my brother is free. He will never father a child, he will never marry, and he will never make anything of his life. He not only missed my wedding day but he will miss every major event in my life and Joe's life. He will never be there again. I will never wake and find him sleeping by my bed. I will never open the door and see him standing there. I will never see him run up a mountain again. I will never see him free. I now have to watch him slowly turn to madness, see his fire die, and his spirit slowly fade. I'll have to watch as the young man who was full of life turn into nothing more than a shell of his former self. He will most likely die in a prison. It feels almost like he is dead. He has no freedom now, so isn't that the same? To be imprisoned is the same as death. To never be able to do as you wish is death. You are no longer the person you once were. I have lost him...my brother.

Why did you have to take this path in life? I miss you and I love you so much. So why am I not crying? Why am I numb? I heard your voice today and the difference was significant. You sounded defeated, something I never thought I would hear in your voice. What will become of our mother? She loves you so much and her health is failing. She will never see her son free. This news is killing her even faster than the cancer.

I am losing you my brother. You are slowing drifting further into the dark and no matter how I scream your name, you do not respond anymore. I failed you one too many times. I am so sorry brother. I should have been there for you, instead I was selfish and a coward. I failed you and so did everyone else. We all failed you and now...now you are a criminal. You do not rationalize like a sane person, you do not even comprehend what you have done or what all this means. The average life span is around 80 years old. You are twenty, I am twenty-two and Joe is twenty-four. So statistically speaking none of us will live to see you free. What am I suppose to do with this information?

I am not crying but I am not smiling either.

Brother, blood of my blood, I love you, and I miss you, so please do not stray so far into the darkness that even I cannot follow. Please brother do not leave me! I can't lose you! I have already lost too much of my heart to lose you as well. Please my brother do not fall into madness! I am here. I will never abandon you again! I will never fail you again! I will never be weak, I will never be a coward, and I will be strong for you! I will be the light in your darkness brother! So please, please do not give up! I love you Nick. I love you.

(Was written a few years when this event occurred)

I miss you so much. I think about you at such odd times. I can't believe that you are not here and never will be. Why do I feel like you are dead? Why does it feel like you will forever be out of my reach?
I think about how you weren't there on my wedding day. I think about how you will miss all the events in Mom's life, Joe's life, Athena's Life and my own. We will never go hiking together again. We will no longer go out on a critter hunt with Mom.  I miss you.
I begged and I pleaded with you to stay out of the dark. I have always loved you. Even during those times when we came to punches. You are my baby brother and it seemed we were getting along better as we got older.
I was cruel and selfish so much as a child. When we were little it was me you looked up to. You came to me for protection and love. Yet I failed you so terribly. I am so sorry. I never realized back then that you just wanted the same thing from me that I wanted from Joe. Each of us was looking for someone to care for us, to love us, and keep us safe from harm. Mother loved us and always will but she was unable to keep us safe. The adults were supposed to take care of us; they should have been the protectors. So why did they end up hurting us? Why did no one save us? I know you thought those things just as I did. We were just children. Yet I feel like I should have been stronger. I should have been the one to save you. Instead I was a coward and was glad that it wasn't me. I am such a horrible person. I let you suffer such a horrible event and then when you needed me to be your support, I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I ignored yours. I am so sorry.
And now you have slipped into the darkness. I call your name and you no longer hear me. I prayed you wouldn't fall so far. I wanted nothing but your safety. I was finally able to help you and I tired but it was too late. I took too long to get over my emotion problems. I left you behind too long. No one was there for you. No one, not even me, saved you. I am sorry brother. I am so sorry. Forgive me please! I miss you. I can't believe that you will no longer be here. I am lost without you. I just wish you hadn't slipped away. You are lost now and no one can save you, yet I will always try.

Ever since I was young whenever I pictured my future I pictured a career, traveling and friends. I never pictured a husband, no kids, no love. I figured I'd be that woman with the great career, lots of money, great friends, would travel the world. I had this idea about being single and not falling in love. I wanted to be independent. I wanted to have complete control and never have to consider another. I wanted to be selfish till I was old and even then only think of myself.
I thought that love was horrible. I thought that love would only cause me pain and destroy my life. For so long all I ever saw come out of love was pain. I saw men beat the person they said they loved. I saw men put their loved one down and call them names. I saw men treat them like they were objects and not equals. I really didn't think love was a great thing. I truly, honestly believed love would be the death of me.
I couldn't have been more wrong and I'm so happy to have been incorrect.  I use to have tons of silly rules about dating and yet I broke them all for you. At first I thought you'd be just another guy and that we would be just fun. It in just a few short months that all changed. We were a couple and ever since then we have always been together. Our love took time and grew over the years. It wasn't some crap romantic comedy. Our love is true and has withstood time. It just keeps getting stronger. I've fallen head over feet for you. You have become the most important person in my life. I even hold you above my own life. I wanted to be selfish even in love. I use to want you to love me more than I loved you, because for a long time I was still scared. I was still frightened that you would hurt me. So it took time for you to break through the walls to my heart. You never gave up on me. You believed in us and you even told me that I'm enough. You proved you loved me time and time again. I now understand that my dream was idiotic. A life without you would be no life at all. I would have never felt this immense joy if you were not in my life. I'm so glad you believed in me, that you wouldn't let me go. I love you and trust you with my whole being.  I love you so much that words alone can't even express it.
The greatest thing that has changed is that I no longer want to be selfish. I no longer consider just myself when making a decision. I am now a "we" instead of an "I." This fact would've once long ago scared me and I would've run for the hills, but now…it makes me smile. I'm so glad to have fallen in love with such an amazing man. And now we are going to start a family. I want to have your children. I want to grow old with you and watch our kids grow up and have kids of their own. I want to be that old couple on the bench that still hold hands and kiss. I want to celebrate 50 years together. I want to share my life with you. So thank you for loving me. Thank you for wanting me and just me. Thank you saying I'm enough. Thank you for saying you want me to be the mother of your children. Thank you. I love you my husband and father of my child.

My 26th birthday was interesting. Not in I had a great time or went out. I didn't really do anything for my 26th birthday. I mostly reflected upon my years on this Earth. Turning 26 meant I have now outlived my father. He never saw his 26th year. I'm grateful to be alive but at the same time its odd to have outlived one of my parents at such an age. I haven't accomplished as much as I had hoped by this age. My bucket list has so much still on the to do side and hardly any on the done side.
So I've resolved that things have to change. I have to start living a little more, I have to start actually working on my life to do list. I keep saying "later" about nearly everything. I keep thinking  have more time but I keep failing to realize no I won't always have more time. I need to start organizing my time better and get things in line. I'm a mother now and want to show my son the world. I want him to experience everything just I want to experience everything and see everything.
Next year I plan to visit Italy. My husband and I are working on saving up and we have started to plan our trip. I will cross off one place on my to visit list next year. I want to cross one place off each year from next year on. That is my goal. I have to start making the most of this life. Not just cause I want to die knowing I really lived but because my dad didn't get to do everything he wanted. So I have to really live for both him and myself. That is my goal and I won't let myself slack anymore.

Its been nearly two months now since you took a gun and killed yourself. I still can't make sense of it. One moment you were here and the next you weren't. I remember wanting to text you just a few days before but decided to wait till after I gave birth. I figured it would be more fun to share a picture of my son than just a text saying hey I'm still preggers. Maybe that is why I feel so bad, I never texted you. I thought about and never went through with it. Then I find out your dead in the worse way, over the internet. You gave no indication of suicide, you were always the happiest person in the room. You were always smiling and making everyone laugh. I really thought you were happy. I'm so sorry I was so blind to the pain you were in. I'm sorry I didn't text you or call more often. I'm so sorry. I had to tell Wayne that you died. I called him, because I figured he knew even before me. No I call him to cry and he had no idea. Why didn't you let anyone know!? You, Wayne and I were the Trinity. The three of us always together, always there for one another. Now its broken and we can never be the trinity again. I couldn't even go to your funeral, I gave birth the day before. You never got to see my son. We'll never get to go out for lunch again or tennis. No more How I Meet Your Mother references or sharing memories of Europe. No more giving advice to young Wayne together. Its all gone now because you were selfish. You didn't confide in us, you didn't even say goodbye to us. We were friends!! Why!?!? Why did you kill yourself? I miss you. Please...I pray you have found the happiness you couldn't find here on Earth. I keep you in my prayers and I'll always keep in my memories. I just feel cheated, you left without a goodbye and way before you time. Please my friend...rest in peace.