Today was Nick's sentencing. They gave my brother 60 years
with no chance at parole. They said my baby brother was a danger to society and should never be allowed back onto the streets. They called him such horrible things, things that I could have never called one I love so much. He is my baby brother, he is blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh, he is a part of my heart, and he is a large part of my family.
I found out today that my brother will spend 60 years in a state prison. I have not cried, I have not shed one tear, yet my mother seems broken. I know now that I'll most likely be dead before my brother is free. He will never father a child, he will never marry, and he will never make anything of his life. He not only missed my wedding day but he will miss every major event in my life and Joe's life. He will never be there again. I will never wake and find him sleeping by my bed. I will never open the door and see him standing there. I will never see him run up a mountain again. I will never see him free. I now have to watch him slowly turn to madness, see his fire die, and his spirit slowly fade. I'll have to watch as the young man who was full of life turn into nothing more than a shell of his former self. He will most likely die in a prison. It feels almost like he is dead. He has no freedom now, so isn't that the same? To be imprisoned is the same as death. To never be able to do as you wish is death. You are no longer the person you once were. I have lost him...my brother.
Why did you have to take this path in life? I miss you and I love you so much. So why am I not crying? Why am I numb? I heard your voice today and the difference was significant. You sounded defeated, something I never thought I would hear in your voice. What will become of our mother? She loves you so much and her health is failing. She will never see her son free. This news is killing her even faster than the cancer.
I am losing you my brother. You are slowing drifting further into the dark and no matter how I scream your name, you do not respond anymore. I failed you one too many times. I am so sorry brother. I should have been there for you, instead I was selfish and a coward. I failed you and so did everyone else. We all failed you and now...now you are a criminal. You do not rationalize like a sane person, you do not even comprehend what you have done or what all this means. The average life span is around 80 years old. You are twenty, I am twenty-two and Joe is twenty-four. So statistically speaking none of us will live to see you free. What am I suppose to do with this information?
I am not crying but I am not smiling either.
Brother, blood of my blood, I love you, and I miss you, so please do not stray so far into the darkness that even I cannot follow. Please brother do not leave me! I can't lose you! I have already lost too much of my heart to lose you as well. Please my brother do not fall into madness! I am here. I will never abandon you again! I will never fail you again! I will never be weak, I will never be a coward, and I will be strong for you! I will be the light in your darkness brother! So please, please do not give up! I love you Nick. I love you.
(Was written a few years when this event occurred)